'Tis the season to be jolly. Or merry. or goodwilly, or something. Apparently. Heh. We said willy.

For approximately one month a year - or four if the decorations in some supermarkets are to be believed - we're called upon to eat like there's no tomorrow, drink like there's no liver disease, and buy like there's likely to be a shortage of bath gel.

Sisters Meg and Anna (not in the nun sense of the word) (they're actually related) (and aren't nuns) and Brothers Cliff and Bobbie (Not related, just franciscan monks) (possibly) are here to relieve your Crimblennui (tm) and make your December just a little more spangly.

Think of it as our little gift to you. You may not have asked for it, you may not want it, but then, you could say the same for whatever Uncle Billy's going to give you this year.

Happy Advent, from us, to you. 'Tis the season, after all...

We've been doing this for a few years now. You can catch up on everything you missed in the full archive. There's loads there. Honestly, it's a wonder we had time for shopping, really, with all that content.

Link to this site using this handy button, if you can be keffed (you'll need to copy it to your server space):

'Tis the Season is a Pickard Production by Meg and Anna

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2 December 2003

What's the best kind of tree to get, or is no tree acceptable in these enlightened times? Did Jesus actually say "Gee, you know what I'd love? If people all over the world celebrated my birthday every year by chopping down billions of trees. Yeah, that'd be awesome."

Meg Says;
Cats don't like Christmas trees. Cats see baubles and things dangling and swinging and glinting in the delicate light of a half-lit seasonal room and go ballistic, attacking the object in the tree and also managing to cause 80-90% of the needles to shed onto the carpet in the process.

Cat owners have been known to try various non-tree decorative methods, including festooning an existing yucca plant for the festive season, and hanging a pine branch high on a wall. Both of these solve the tree/cat interface issue, but somehow simultaneously fail to summon the Christmas spirit that a tacky tree does.

If you must get a tree, real or fake, know that what matters most is that about which Roy Castle once sang:

"Decoration;
Mmmm, decoration;
Oooh, decoration, that's what you need;
If you wanna be the best,
And if you wanna beat the rest,
Mmm-mmmh, decoration's what you need
(if you wanna be a record breaker, yeeeeeah)"

Yes, decoration is what makes the difference between your Christmas tree being an object of ridicule, or an object of lust (and not just to the cat).

In general, baubles are fine. Tinsel less so. Candles are a no-no and a fire hazard, to boot. Miniature wooden carvings of cherubs playing accordians and cymbals are definitely surplus to requirements, while spray-on snow and individual strands of wispy... well, wisp are desirable but ultimately more faff than they're worth.

You can decorate (some say "dress" or "trim", though don't get this latter confused with actual trimming involving sharp objects, or you'll end up with a spiky stump under which to place your bounteous gifts this crimbo) the tree using a predefined colour scheme (this year it's all about silver, I'm told, while last year red and brown were all the rage) or alternatively, you can go with the "throw everything on" method employed by most families - including my own.

Our family has a box of Christmas tree decorations which has been hauled out every year for the last forty, at least. As well as some sad baubles in an egg box and some manky tinsel that has, frankly, seen better days (like, say, the late seventies) the box also contains such Pickard-family delights as the fat fairy for the top of the tree - a rather hideous doll without arms and with wings made of covered yoghurt lids, which has been in my mum's family since she was a girl.

There are also, about forty thousand straw stars from Germany - very kraft, very middle-Europe. Also, the aforementioned mini cherub band (also from Germany, I think). Also, a knitted sperm and parrot.

The feeling behind this random selection of decorations is that the optimum Christmas tree should encourage sociability by making people feel homely and chatty. And nothing sparks conversation like a knitted sperm, believe me.

Anna says;
Here are 10 Interesting facts about Christmas Trees to bear in mind when thinking about getting a Chrismas Tree, or just thinking about Chrismas trees in general.

1. Christmas trees are basically conical in shape, with the point at the top.

2. The usual colour for Christmas trees is green. A kind of soft, tree-green. If you're thinking traditionally. They're tree-ish that way.

3. If Green does not match your decor, it is possible to get trees in other colours, such as;
   a)White.
   There are two main forms of white chrismas trees. The first is a real, green chrismas tree over-enthusiastically sprayed with fake snow, the second is the Rigid White Plastic Tree.
   For this list, we will concentrate on Rigid Plastic White one.
   It's vile. Put it down.
   b)Brown.
   The green ones go brown. It takes not very long.
   c)Silver/Gold/Spangly.
   For a while back then, it seemed a good idea to dispense of the tinsel that goes on the tree by constructing the tree out of the tinsel, thus removing the need for the tinsel, and the tree. Believe me, this idea sounds better on paper than the tree looks after fifteen years next to your telly.
   d) Fibre Optic trees.
   Cleverly designed to ensure that at each point in their display, they will be clashing with at least three things in your living room. Amazing things. e)Other colours.
   Vile. ignore.
   Unless they're cardboard. In which case they're cool.

4. Trees were introduced to Britain by Prince Albert, Queen Victoria's wife.
   Sorry, that should read 'Christmas trees', not just 'Trees'.
   And for 'wife', read 'husband'.
   Although it does remind me of an interesting fact about Queen Victoria, who refused to make laws about Lesbians because she refused to believe they existed, or something. Although she believed in the existence of God. No laws there though.
   And it's because of this woman we have Chrismas Trees.

5. Real Christmas trees are infamous for dropping needles on the carpet which are difficult to get out with a hoover. Blood is also hard to get out with a hoover, and these needles are very sharp.
   One handy tip is to constantly wear shoes indoors.
   Another is to wrap your feet entirely in several layers of sticky tape. This will not only serve to protect, but will also pick up sharp needles.
   Then not only will your carpet be clean, but your feet will be lethal weapons. Yay feet.
   
   You cannot hang large heavy things on Christmas trees. Cows and Hoovers are no good as ornaments.
   
   
6. Of the population of Britain, 57% really like Christmas trees, 49% have hidden behind a Christmas tree at some point and 78% will have one this year.

7. The above statistics are made up.

8. All 'real' or imitation Christmas trees have trunks. From these trunks spring arms on which you may hang things.
   Although only things like hollow glass ornaments, the aforementioned tinsel, small light wooden things, small light plastic things, and other small light things.
   You cannot hang large heavy things on christmas trees.
   Cows and Hoovers are no good as ornaments.

9. The bushier the Christmas tree, the better it is for hiding things. Like food, drugs, false teeth and money.

10. It's pretty fucking difficult to do a google search on interesting facts on Christmas Trees without landing you on sites that smack you around the face with computer generated jingle bells.
    After five of these sites, psychosis develops. So it's best not to bother with them at all.
    Or facts, for that matter.
    If anyone asks you for an interesting fact on Christmas Trees, make something up, that'd be my advice.
    Stay away from the j-j-j-jingle bells.

*shudder*

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