3 December 2003
How on earth am I going to manage to do all my present shopping without wading through aisles and aisles of harassed parents and tantrumming toddlers? Is there some sort of stupidity field that descends and causes pedestrians to move in slow motion? Why can't shoppers walk properly during December? Plus, is it morally acceptable to cause bodily harm to fellow Christmas shoppers?
Anna says:It's the beginning of December. The third, to be exact. You've 21 more shopping days, if you went shopping every day, which is what that phrase always seems to suggest... You need to get presents for, well, let's see, family, close friends, nephews, nieces, children, work colleagues, acquaintances you don't like but who always buy you something, your partner, your pets.
That's, what? 500,000 presents?
No, calm down, that's just what it feels like. Let's look at this rationally, and take this step by step.
Step one: Go back in time, around seven months.
Step two: Get a much better job.
Step three: Demand that everyone in your present-needing circle set up an Amazon Wishlist. I don't care if they're two and can't yet read, I don't care if they're 92 and live in a Yurt, I don't care if they've never seen a computer before, I don't care that Amazon doesn't stock what they want, they're going to do it.
Otherwise they're not getting a present.
Step 4: Et voila! Problem solved, now simply buy all the perfect presents online from your desk, while working the overtime you need to do since your much better job still doesn't pay you enough to fund Christmas.
Like most things, shopping is best done without any logical thought, and very fast.
If this approach doesn't work, and lets face it, it won't, it was a stupid idea, sorry, then yes, you may need to take to the streets.Yes, sure, you could find everything you need online, but since it's quite possible that you'll keep forgetting until it's way too late, lets assume for a minute that you'll need to brave a high street or shopping mall at some point in the next three weeks.
Like most things, things that I can't think of right now, shopping is best done without any logical thought, and very fast.
Write down the names, sex and ages of all those for whom you wish to buy presents.
Go to one of those shops that sell everything - not a supermarket, we shan't be wrapping cauliflowers this year - one of those other kinds of shops that sell everything.
Walk though the shop as fast as you possibly can* looking not where you are going, but only at the shelves and racks of goods.
We're not looking for individual items here, just colours and textures, relating to ages, just like this;
3-11, male, muted/camouflage colours, shiny, anything small and plastic with a sword.
or Pink, Spangly.
Expensive looking. although
Buy whatever you want, it'll be wrong anyway.
Chrome, matte finish.
And so on and so on. Who haven't we offended yet?
Ah, shoot, old people.
Oh, that'll do.
*... 'Walk as fast as you possibly can', obviously, this is a relative concept.
You walking 'as fast as you possibly can', is probably someone walking quite fast indeed.
Not in Christmas shopping.
It just can't be done.
Or can it?
Just ask yourself - how sharp are your elbows?
Could they be sharper? How could we sharpen them?
Do you smell?
How much do you smell? How could you smell more, do you think?
You see, it's not about getting one person out of your way at a time when it's so much simpler to get everyone out of your way at once.
Apart from being smelly and having sharp elbows, by far the best way of doing this is doing a shouted and crude imitation of beat poetry performance with a large empty bottle of cider and your head as bongos.
Swearing and farting also work well. « 02 | Main | 04 »