3 December 2004
Christmas cards
Confused by this morning’s doormat? Terrified as to just what that strange brightly coloured cardboard arrival might signify? Fear no longer. It has come to our attention that people - in their thousands - are taking the previously assumed meaningless Christmas date as an excuse to employ the antiquated ‘postal’ system. I realise the slot in the door may previously have confused, but don’t worry, those people are supposed to stick things through there. Don’t get scared and attack unless you see the whites of his eyes or the curl of his pubic hair.
This is, it seems, the one time of year when an email simply won’t suffice. Well the one time of year apart from Valentines day. And birthdays. Screw the ‘one time of year thing’, here is the point: ‘Re: Merry Christmas’just won’t cut it: you’ve got to send a physical, actual card. You just have to. Or the Christmas angels will notice your miserable bahhumbugness, and they will tell Father Christmas on you. And then you won’t get any presents from him, and only partly because he doesn’t exist.
Christmas cards can say many things. ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘Happy Christmas’ and ‘Christmas wishes’ are always popular choices, although carry too many religious connotations for some, who choose to use ‘Happy Holidays’ or ‘Seasons Greetings’ instead, bunch of pussies that that they are.
But the printed jollity on the front flap is only part of the message that the Christmas card is intended to convey, of course. Other messages carried by this simple piece of thick paper include:
Very rarely the last one. Lets face it. Most people are too busy thinking about how they’re going to get through Christmas to take the time to hope that anyone else has a nice one. You wish for what you always wish for - for them to have a marginally worse Christmas than yours, but not much worse.
None of this actually gets written in the card, of course. The inside of the card should hold a brief, short message: ‘We really must catch up’, ‘All the best in 2005’, ‘Hope that leg grew back eventually – sorry again!- Happy holidays all the same!’ or something like.
Everyone in the house should be forced to sign the card, and household pets should be encouraged to provide a paw print. Cats, dogs, and guinea pigs are not too bad at this, while snakes, elephant, bison etc can use rather too much paint and ruin the aesthetic effect, as well as the coffee table. Couples who want to avoid the smugness of a joint signature should feel free to send separate cards, although this will of course lead to rumours of divorce, infidelity and, occasionally, murder.
If you have more to say – or more boasting to do, you can always write a Christmas message, a letter, a round robin. But that’s a much, much, much, much longer story.