16 December 2004
Twinkle, twinkle
In a house at the bottom of our street, framed beautifully by a first floor bay window, is what can only be described as the brightest Christmas tree ever.It's normal - nay, even expected - to have twinkly lights on a tree in the run up to the big day, but this tree, frankly, takes the piss.
Because, you see, this is not a tree festooned with twinkling lights. This is a tree made of lights. About seven foot tall, and entirely constructed of bright white lights, wrapped around each other to make branches. I swear, there's a bulb where each needle should be.
The thing is so bright that I have to sincerely doubt whether the inhabitants of the flat can see the telly when it's switched on. In fact, I wonder whether they can even be in the same room. It's retina-searingly bright, and that's through a window, one storey down, and on the other side of the road. I walked past on the way from the bus stop this evening, glanced over, and thought it was daytime. Really. It's that bright.
This could prove problematic for the residents, on three counts. One, their electricity bill could go through the roof. Two, switching on something that bright could be hazardous when you live directly under the flightpath for planes descending into Britain's busiest airport. I'm not saying they're asking for trouble, I'm just saying if someone on the next street plugs in a similar burning bush, then the area's going to start looking like a runway, is all. And thirdly, and perhaps most seriously, the owners of this arboreal beacon, the brightest and shiniest and most garish on the street, are opening themselves up to neighbourly twinkle-envy.
Yes, it's true: people the world over are obsessed with the size and extent of their neighbours' light displays. They don't do this because they are naturally jealous, though - they do this because they are forced into it.
This happens on a small scale: in windows throughout the nation, curtains are left just a little agape, so that the passer-by can glimpse the illumination within and outdoor lights are casually festooned over privets in the front garden.
But on a big scale, it's more serious. In suburbs, people compete to erect the most garish, most national-grid-sucking displays, complete with prancing illuminated reindeer and wiggling upside-down santa legs protruding from the chimney-top. House facades are transformed into glittering palaces by the sudden addition of hundred upon hundreds of watts.
You can buy most of these illuminating atrocities from any home shopping network, from about June.
We've rounded up a selection of the most eye-bleeding on the web. You might want to dig out your sunglasses for this.
- Buy them wholesale
- Showing off in 2004
- Ugly Christmas Lights
- Christmas lights on a car
- Christmas lights in central Texas
- Christmas Street
- Tackiest Christmas lights 2003
- And then there were Christmas lights
Less is more, people. Try to remember that. If you must have lights, make them simple. Different colours are fine. White is cleaner. Flashing on and off in mad combos will just give you a headache and distract passing drivers. « 0415 | Main | 0417 »