21 December 2004
Whether you like Christmas (or don't), do Christmas (or don't), feel Christmas (or don't, and want to punch me for saying that), chances are you'll be eating plenty of food this Christmas (if you aren't then you may have a bunch of third rate British pop stars singing a song for you. I'm sorry about that).
So if you do know it's Christmas, or have a vague inkling that it might be coming up, here are a few things that will bring it home, right to your table - given to you on a plate, in fact. Or a glass.
Turkey: A uncomely bird only eaten the other 11 months of the year when smooshed into different shapes and pretending to be something else - only with less fat. The phrase "I feel like turkey tonight" is rarely heard in civilised society.
Should be: Dry to the tongue, bland to the buds and five times larger than necessary. If it isn't it has not been cooked the Traditional British Way and needs to be returned to a slow oven for around 15 days.
Interesting fact: The turkey is a bird so stupid that it drowns in the rain. Hypnotised by the falling drops, its mouth falls open causing eventual stupid death. True story.
If turkeys were a TV show: They would be Big Brother. Annual popularity seeming to have nothing to do with levels of stupidity and/or ugliness.
Brussels sprouts: Tiny tiny cabbages. I think. Or perhaps the testicles of something large and green.
Should be: Boiled to the death, overcooked to the point of misery, resembling solid balls of pureed something. Possibly something from your nose.
Interesting fact: Frozen and loaded into bazookas, brussels sprouts can kill many people at once. Although it would be a drawn-out and unpleasant death, many would chose this over eating them.
If brussels were a TV show: They would be 'This Morning with Fern and Philip'. Solid, reliable, 'sensible', irritating and boring at the same time, they remain a perrenial favourite of housewives and old people.
Sherry: Medium strength sickly sweet white wine derivative.
Should be: Sniftered secretively by Christmas dinner cooks and grannies, gaining its place on the kitchen work surface by being supposedly 'used for cooking', the ratio of recipe to secret slugs should be around 1:27
Interesting fact:Sherry is a region of spain, famous for its slightly-pissed, frazzled middle-aged women in aprons.
If sherry was a TV show: It would be Strictly Come Dancing, a bit classy, a secret pleasure for those with a limited sense of razzle dazzle.
Christmas Cake: Dense combination of dried fruit and 'matter'.
Should be: Circular, leaden, heavy enough to break tables and possibly floors, covered in blankets of marzipan and white icing applied by a qualified plasterer.
Interesting fact: Each Christmas cake is blasted individually from the cake quarries of Christmas Island. There are actually only 56 Christmas cakes in the world, which are circulated around houses annually. No one has ever noticed, as no one has ever actually tried to eat one.
If Christmas Cake was a TV show: It would be Mastermind. As old as anyone can remember and composed of really very hard elements, it retains a fondness in the British phyche matched only by Bruce Forsyth. Who, apparently, tastes a bit like Christmas Cake. Or so I've heard, anyway.