5 December 2003
My boyfriend's Jewish, yet everyone keeps asking what I'm getting him for Christmas and I don't know how to respond. I so sick of explaining theology to everyone - I thought people knew at the very least the basics of the main religions, especially the ones with festivals that involve food and presents. How should I respond?
Meg says:
We all know the story of Christmas, at least vaguely:
A mild-mannered Jewish carpenter and his young wife on a donkey take a cross country trip. She swears she's a virgin; her belly tells a different story.
The Holiday Inn is booked up solid (always is, at that time of year) so they make do with a stable. The girl gives birth in the middle of the night, and the animals get annoyed that someone plonked a baby into in their dinner.
"Frankincense, eh? That's nice, love, and we appreciate the thought, but did any of you think to bring nappy rash cream?"Then there's some stuff about a star, some shepherds washing their socks by night, and three kings who show up a while later with presents (Mary: "Frankincense, eh? That's all very nice, love, and we appreciate the thought, but did any of you think to bring nappy rash cream?")
And that's why we have presents and trees and cards and turkey and crackers and the Queen's speech, see?
The only thing that seems a bit odd about this whole nativity story (apart from the virgin birth, the angels on the hillside, the mysteriously bright star over Bethlehem and the talking donkey, of course - oh no, wait, I'm thinking of Shrek) is that nowhere does it mention that it happened in mid-winter, and yet every December (or, more accurately, every June, as previously discussed here) a good chunk of the world starts going bonkers buying ugly table decorations and glittery crap which is twice as expensive as it should be and won't be appreciated by the intended recipient anyway.
Fact is, weather being what it is, f the shepherds had been up on a hilltop in Judea in December, they would have frozen their little socks off - if they hadn't already been washing them, of course. The census for which Joseph and Mary were travelling to Bethlehem would have probably been held at harvest time - October, or so - to avoid disruption, but also because in midwinter the roads would have been impassable and travel would have been a nightmare. Wrong sort of mud on the tracks, or something.
Jesus, a little investigation reveals, was not a Capricorn. In fact, he was probably a Virgo or a Libra, though I bet he didn't believe in horoscopes. According to some incredibly complex calculations, Jesus was actually born in late September, though of course whatever date is conjoured up is utter codswallop, because everyone and his dog has fiddled about with the calendar since then anyway ("Right then, I'm in charge now. My first decree is to invent a new month - how does everyone feel about Megember, just slotted in nicely between April and May? My second decree is to ban baseball caps. Now, where's my hot tub?").
But December seemed like a jolly dismal time of year, and so somewhere along the line the party moved to the darkest days of midwinter.
Anna says:
I see these posters all around, outside churches and in windows: "When you're celebrating this year, remember what you're really celebrating..."
But what are we really celebrating? Is it anything to do with Christianity?
A potted history of mid-Winter Celebrations.
Scene one, int. cave, mid winter morning.
Small neanderthal child runs excitedly into living area of cave.
In one corner of the room is an uprooted shrub, under which are piled presents, wrapped loosely in hollowed out animal carcasses, the child piles into them.
Daddy Neanderthal: Urg Ruggaruggarugga rugga urguff.
Mummy Neanderthal: Rrrr, fugnugger ik ik. Foo.
They look at the child, to their dismay, it has spurned all the carefully muddied play-rocks, and is happily playing inside the hollowed out carcass
Baby Neanderthal: Brrrum, bruum.
Daddy Neanderthal: Unk.
Scene Two, int. Parthenon, mid winter morning
One bloke in toga lies in a heap on top of wine skins and near naked young lovelies. (male)
Younger Man: Plato.... Plato... Wake up, Plato!
Plato: Oh, not again, Tireseus, I'm all fucked out, I'm afraid,...
Young man: No! Plato, it's me! Socrates. Guess what day it is?
Plato: Oh, I don't know!
Young man: It's the birthday of four of our Major Gods, Plato!
Plato: Fabulous. Now fuck off.
Young man: Oh, but Plato! You said You'd give me a present! You promised! Not fair!
Plato: Alright. It's in that box over there...
Young man: Oh. It's a hypothesis. You gave me one of these last year.
Plato: No, that was a Hypoteneuse. Don't you like it?
Young man: Not really. Can I have the box to play with?
Plato: *sigh* Yes. Now, lets go and drink wine, have sex with beautiful people of all sexes, eat olives and invent democracy!
Young man:Fair enough.
Scene three, int. Stable, day
Baby is given several containers of expensive goods in completely inappropriate gift move by random kings attempting to suck up.
Baby looks confused and puts one box on head, feeds one to cow, and throws the other out of the window.
No one notices as baby sits in corner, glowing serenely.
Scene 4, int. hovel, mid winter morning.
Man: Come, wyf, our crops lafted us through the shortest day of wynter have!
Let us celebrate with mead and dead pygs!
Soon the days, extend thay wyll, and we shall have zummer once mair.
I have brought young John a present fair the occasion.
A box it is.
Woman: Oh husband, John died this morning of a runny nose.
Yet, comforted shall I be, with my 17 more children.
Put John in the box, and let us feast and celebrate the myd-wynter!
Man: Fayre enuff.
Scene 5, ext, Coliseum, mid winter morning
Constantine: I am the Emporor Constantine!
Amassed People of Rome: Yes, we know!
Constantine: Right, well, I've had this fabulous idea. You know that big party you have on the 25th of December?
Amassed people of Rome: Yes... Why?
Constantine: Well, the plan is this.
Instead of the various Gods and human things you celebrate at that point, the sun, winter and all, well, we're chucking them out of the window, and you're all going to celebrate the birth of Jesus instead.
Amassed people of Rome: but...
Constantine: Or I'll kill you.
Amassed People of Rome:Fair enough...
(sing) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
Scene 6, ext Parliment, London, mid winter morning
As scene five, but substitute 'Medieval Church' for Constantine and 'Britain' for 'Rome'
Scene 7, int Windsor Castle, mid winter morning
Victoria: Happy Christmas Albert Darling, Our Lord Jesus was born today. Here, I have procured for you especially the first ever Christmas card.
Albert: Oh Wictoria, my darling, Happy Christ day to you.
Und for your present, I haf imported a dead tree!
Queen Victoria: Oh Albert, how could you!
Victoria immediately orders the execution of Albert. This is later explained away as Natural Causes.
Scene 8, int classroom, mid winter morning
Teacher: Now children, whose birthday do we celebrate next week?
Children: Santa Claus? Ronald Macdonald? Harry Potter? Tony Blair? Buzz Lightyear? We don't know.
Teacher: What about Jesus? Do we think it might be Jesus?
Children: We're sorry, who?
Meg says:
Four years ago, Birmingham city council made the decision to try to include those of all faiths (and none) in the winter festivities by lumping the various Christmas, Channukah, Eid and (insert other religious winter celebration here) celebrations under the Winterval instead of the purely Christian Christmas.
They were, of course, roundly ridiculed for this, and after a brief media flurry, no more was said.
But it's not that dumb an idea, is it? Not the "let's level out all the religions of the world into one bland soiree" sentiment - that's a little droopy as ideas go, as if we should be slightly embarassed about giving any prominence over another, and concluding that it's therefore best not to mention any at all. That's like having seven children, and not wanting to give one a perceivably bigger present than the other, so giving them all the same irrelevant thing, without thought of relevancy or individual taste, or giving them one big present for all, which they'll only fight over, or all collectively shun. That doesn't make sense.
But the tacit admission that the spangly things and shopping excursions and tarty party frocks and table decorations and twinkly lights and rampant consumerism have, in fact, got very little to do with any religion - save, of course, sacrifices to the great god of Veez Aah - and have moved on in all but name, makes a lot more sense in the modern world.
Don't get me wrong, that's not to say that people don't still celebrate the birth of a baby boy, or that the exchange of gifts isn't in many cases well-meant and heartfelt and generous and even spontaneous. Christmas - the Mass of Christ's birth - is still valid today for many people. But not for everyone. And not for, say Jewish people, or Muslims. So how about occasionally remembering a simple "Happy Hannukah!" or just bearing in mind that not everyone is necessarily a particular way inclined?
Anna says
My point would be this, if I had one;
People give things up for Lent, not knowing why they're doing it, only seeing it as a good excuse to stop doing something they shouldn't be doing.
At the end of that time, they'll recieve a chocolate egg, for seemingly no logical reason.
People celebrate some obscure Saint's Day in the middle of February, as an excuse for telling the one that they love that they love them.
People seem to adopt the traditional rites of religious practice when it suits their needs well to do so.
And this is surely fine, since actually, it would seem that religion, I'm talking about Christianity here, obviously, adopted the times of existting rites and festivals, so that people would not see it as so alien, and be more likely to accept it.
Fitting the celebrations to the dates of similar, older, Pagan ones, in order to make this new regime palatable.
Basically, I think that we celebrate at Christmas because we have an inate need to celebrate. We're halfway through the winter, we've survived so far, now the days will get longer again, and summer will come and everything will be fine.
I think we do need to observe some time here. But of course we don't need to recognise it as some religious rite.
Buy your boyfriend a present. Buy him something for Passover, for Eid, for Christmas, because it's Wednesday, because you love him.
That's the thing that you're celebrating, after all...
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