1 December 2005
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Anna says: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Or at least sang Bing Crosby in 1951, possibly after noticing that Tesco had just started putting up its decorations for Christmas 2005.
It's a nice thought, in a way, that the world could go from looking a lot like ... well, like something else ... and start looking a lot like "Christmas".
But what does that look like, exactly?
a: Christmas is snowy.
So what? The Antarctic is snowy. Captain Oates didn't crawl out of the tent mumbling "I'm going out, I may be some time because I'm not sure where you can get good mince pies round here." Snowy does not christmas make.
b: Christmas is marked by pointy green trees.
The forests of Eastern Europe are marked by pointy green trees, yet I have barely EVER met a man-eating wolf imbued with the holiday spirit. Never do you hear of people meeting an enormous, clawed and snarling beast, who pads through the forest before pounching at them with an ear-splitting "rrrRrrRrrRrRrRRRRRRRR...udolf the red nosed... Why hullo dear boy, would you like some mulled apple juice? Surely I can tempt you to a slice of cake. Oh go on". No. Pointy trees do not christmas make.
c: Christmas is sparkly
I could name ten gay clubs in Manchester that are *much* sparklier than christmas. Hell, I could probably name ten People that are sparklier than christmas, to be fair. An freezer in need of defrosting is sparkly. Las Vegas is sparkly, yet it is hot, and dry, and barely seems to offer very much Christmas-like at all. Although there are a lot of stockings there. Or so I've heard. But many other things are sparkly. Blackpool. New Romantics. Diamonique (as featured on QVC!) is sparkly, and that's Rubbish. Nono. Sparkly does not Christmas make.
d: Christmas is a lot of food
This is true. Christmas does indeed look like an awful lot of food. Piles, in fact. But then, one of those obscene family buckets from KFC looks like an awful lot of food - or a lot of awful food, whatever, and no one would surely argue that a bucket of Kriminally Fuckedup Chicken looks an awful lot like Christmas. Except perhaps the National Union of Turkeys.
Nononono. A lot of food does not christmas make.
e: You can recognise Christmas by the amount of shopping
Welcome to the modern world. You can recognise April the 28th by the shopping. June the 3rd is remarkable for the amount of random shopping. We live in a world of shopping. If this means that Christmas looks a lot like the Arndale Centre, Luton, then I'm going to go and live in March.
Shopping does certainly not christmas make.
f: Christmas is the Baby Jesus
Oh bless your socks, how quaint.
g: Christmas is family
So is hell. Oh, no, hang on, hell is other people.
Family are other people.
The argument still stands.
But as the old saying goes, "a family is for life, not just for Christmas, a family is for every. single. day. of. the year. And you have to feed them, or they die".
So family does not christmas make, either.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, Bing said. But what did he mean? That everyone was smiling and looking jolly? Well the man clearly didn't get the Northern Line in the morning. That every molecule of nature was radiating goodwill to all men? All of it? Even the dog poo?
Or maybe he just meant that it was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Now that's a different thing entirely. And maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Perhaps I just have to make my own Christmas. Because as the man says, the prettiest sight I'll see will be the holly that will be on my own front door.
Or at least it would be, if some bastard hadn't nicked it.
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