2 December 2005
The First Noel
Meg says: Nobody knows who the first Noel was, though history has been kinder to those who came after him.
The second Noel was a man from Galilee, who ran a little fishmongers in an alleyway just up from the harbour. Despite having no social skills whatsoever (possibly related to his day-job and the accompanying stink), he was known for his good humour and helpful ways, and held frequent raucous parties which involved hearty drinking and harp music.
The third Noel lived in medieval France, and was surly to anyone he met in the street. He bit his fingernails and wore hand-stitched boots with his initials on the cuffs. He was the kind of man who knew that boots can have cuffs, too.
The fourth Noel was a small boy who died young, after falling from a bridge and drowning in the Grand Union canal as it passed through North London. He was careless and clumsy, and while he was mourned with great affection, nobody was particularly surprised at the nature of his untimely demise. It would have either been, they confided to each other in hushed tones at the wake, the canal or the new railway which would have seen him off.
The fifth Noel had a lisp, and a horse named Ginger. He lived an unremarkable life in a prairie state, and discovered only at the age of seventy-two that he could whistle through his nose.
Noel the sixth was a policeman in Belgium. He was very good, and twice won medals for intervening as a crime was taking place and catching someone red-handed. There was some heated debate at the second award ceremony about whether one could technically be rewarded for catching the same man, twice, but he got the gong nevertheless, and no more was said about the matter (at least, not to his face).
Noel number seven liked to drink milk straight from the bottle, to his wife's eternal disgust. He never cleaned the sink after shaving and thought you pronounced anti-perspirant with the emphasis on the fourth syllable. He found God unexpectedly one morning, in the bath, and became a new man almost immediately. His wife, comfortably accustomed to his uncouth ways, and shocked at the suddenness of his transformation, left him for a teatowel salesman from Didsbury.
Noel eight sang backing vocals in a band. They weren't very good, but then, neither was he. He had a head shaped like a turnip, and slept with all the drummer's exes, one after another.
The tenth Noel was an angel. He smiled and the world lit up. He helped old ladies across the street, and they'd be ever so grateful, even if they didn't actually want to be on the other side.
Noel the eleventh had a bad beard and made a living from embarassing celebrities on live television, wearing multicoloured jumpers and killing gameshow contestants. No-one would admit to liking him, not even his own mother.
The twelfth Noel was a shepherd - or rather, technically speaking, a specialist in ruminant management. He spent a lot of time up in the hills, watching his flocks by night, and not nearly enough time on his paperwork, which meant he eventually fell foul of the system, which required him to file a quarterly request for EU subsidisation. One by one, he sold off his charges to cover the shortfall, until all that was left was a mad old ewe called Annabel, who had bad breath and a skewed horn.
So there we have it. A dozen not-so-notable Noels from history.
But at this time of year, it's the first Noel that interests us. Based on the evidence available to us, our best guess is that the first Noel was possibly schizophrenic, definitely impoverished and quite self-assured. The carol reports that the first Noel, according to angelic witnesses, was two certain poor shepherds.
Incidentally, the carol in question has one of the strangest closing verses of any which exist:
If we in our time shall do well,I love the "in general". Like the carol-writer couldn't be arsed to finish with anything stronger. Or whatever.
We shall be free from death and hell;
For God hath prepared for us all
A resting place in general
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