5 December 2005
In the bleak midwinter
Anna says: Seven o'clock and it's been dark for almost four hours already. Though my mood rose marginally during the daylight hours, it's sunk again with the sun, and the familiar feeling has settled back in: I just want to sink down under my duvet and cry quietly and not come out again until the daffodills do.
That's the thing about christmas. For a lot of people it comes right slap bang in the middle of a really big sad. A big s.a.d. flavoured sad caused by the dark and the cold and the dark. I said dark already, I know. Leave me alone, I shall cry.
The thing is, Christmas comes at the lowest slump of the slough, and for a lot of people, the enforced jollity etc is very hard indeed. Sorry, I'm not trying to be a party pooper, it's just a bit true.
So. Over the last few years, it being a societal requisite to have a nice time at Christmas, I have decided to find ways to shake off the bleak midwinter, and now I Love Christmas just as much as the next fool.
You can love Christmas too. How? Just check out my six easy tips for banishing the bleak midwinter:
1) Vitamins.
Currently, I am taking a morning cocktail vitamin A, vitamin D, vitamin C + iron, a multivitamin mix thing and Korean ginseng. I rattle when I run for the bus. Still, these are seeming to do a reasonable amount of good, although it is still getting darker, so next week I might try adding smack.
2) Gingerbread. Or ginger cookies. Or ginger cake, ginger tea, or many other ginger based products. Ginger has a natural ability to warm you, sooth you and make you feel happier, and Christmaslike. However, do not, whatever you do, eat raw ginger. Ginger Things may make you feel better, but eating raw ginger will merely make you feel like your face might explode. And then you may think that your throat might explode. Then you tend to think your innards might explode. Then your bottom - well frankly, your bottom does... ahem ... I think we should stick to the ginger cookies, yes?
3) Exercise. This can be walking, jumping up and down, heavy cleaning, ice skating, furniture moving, or sex. Always do these exercises singly, and one at a time. Try never to combine any of the above, it will hurt your boobies. Possibly. I'm don't know how, but it's always a worry.
4) Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate, a hot water bottle, and something soothing on the television involving gritty crime drama. The sofa is your friend. Whatever you do, no matter how much you are called to crawl back to your bed, curl up under the duvet and cry, you mustn't. Because though being curled up under the duvet crying may satisfy your dark s.a.d. craving for self pity, it will cause you to spill your Hot Chocolate EVERYWHERE.
5) Set fire to things.
Open fires are very good for sads, I don't know why. Something about the heat that surrounds you, caressing your cheeks and wrapping you in comfort. And the light, light that pushes the darkness aside. And also the fact that you can destroy shit, I suppose. If you don't have an open fire in your house, don't worry - lots of other people do, just walk along the road until you see someone with an open fire (they'll have their curtains open - they always do) then wait outside until they go to bed, break into their house, and steal the open fire. And the chimney. They probably won't wake up, but if they do, give them a present, and say that Santa Claus sent you. If that doesn't cut any ice, set fire to them.
If the illegal thing doesn't float your boat, then you can always, always just set fire to your wastepaper basket. And/or curtains. Fire makes you feel better. It's just so warm and lovely.
6) Go to a hot country.
Unless you live in a hot country, in which case you won't have much of a clue what I'm talking about anyway - why you are still reading this? - you will need to travel quite a long way to be in a hot country.
Unfortunately, unless you are Princess Margaret (and if you are - you're dead. How you are still reading this?) you will probably not be able to go to a hot light country for more than two weeks at a time, then you will need to come back to a cold dark country, and your sads will get worse.
If we cannot banish the bleak midwinter, we will do the only sensible, grown up thing.
We will run away.
Thus, the only way forward is to get a job where we can spend all the winter in sunny places not doing very much.
I say if we start training now, by next year we can all make the England Cricket Squad.
Bagsy me in goal.