10 December 2005
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
One of the banes of the modern workplace is the traditional Secret Santa phenomenon. For those who remain blessedly unfamiliar with this particular custom, let Meg explain.The names of every person in the [team / department / office / company] are folded up and put in [an internal mail envelope / a hat ]. Each person in the [team / department / office / company] then draws a name out of the [receptacle], indicating for whom they must buy a gift, for a value of [£5 / £10 / £20] depending on the relative flushness of the workforce.
But they can't just buy any old thing and hand it over - oh no, that would be far too obvious. Instead, the giver must buy and give their gift secretly, which can lead to some very uncomfortable moments around the photocopier, when Julia from accounts starts slagging off the body moisturiser she found wrapped on her desk, detailing precisely why she'd have to be absolutely desperate to use anything so obviously from ASDA. Which you gave her.
The trouble with Secret Santa operations is that while they seem a good idea in theory - everyone gets a present, no-one gets to play favourites, everyone's theoretically happy - the truth is that everyone ends up equally disappointed, because they are bought low-value presents by someone who probably doesn't know them that well to begin with.
And so it comes to pass that the local shop shelves are cleared of novelty items and inexpensive festive boxed items the day before the giving deadline, all of which are hastily wrapped in offcuts of wrapping paper (or, in dire circumstances, internal office mail envelopes and sellotape) before being labelled and placed in the communal present sack, to be distributed with great gasps of indifference and/or disappointment at the [team / department / office / company] [lunch / party / piss-up].
See, a fiver (the most usual amount for these things) doesn't go very far these days, and as a result, you're stuck with either
a) being incredibly cheap (getting something rubbish, for the right amount)
b) being incredibly lavish (getting something decent, for more)
c) being incredibly imaginative (getting several smaller things and combining them)
d) being incredibly creative (making something, like a cake or cookies)
Another favoured option is to simply give the recipient a crisp five pound note with a note explaining that this way they'll be able to get something they actually want (some toilet bleach, perhaps, or a couple of overpriced lattes). Or, alternatively, cheat: you could decide who you want to give a present to (could include no-one, or indeed yourself) and simply do that anonymously, and then when Arthur from Marketing Services finds himself giftless at the party table, snicker to yourself, safe in the knowledge that no-one can ever trace his lack of gift back to you, because it's all supposed to be secret. Aha!
A note on recycling: it has been known for the Secret Santa gift exchange to provide an opportunity for reckless and wanton recycling of unwanted birthday pressies, or gifts from last Christmas you didn't much like. Be warned: although there is nothing to stop you recycling the useless piece of tat you receive in this year's Secret Santa exchange, you should be extremely wary of recycling gifts into the system, since
a) they may have been given to you by someone in the office last year
b) they may be truly rubbish
c) they may be a bit dusty, and that just looks bad.
Also, above all, remember that some Secret Santa programs require all to be revealed after the gifts have been torn open. If you have been lax in your present-provision, hide. And above all, if you have been given something that you wouldn't ever use, even if there was a fiver actually strapped to it, look overjoyed and touched, and bear in mind that you can always wrap it up again for your boyfriend's mum. She'll love it.
Having said all that, Christmas is a time for flatulence giving when all is said and done, so if you are in a generous mood, while it's too late to participate in the ever-fabulous Thinkblank Secret Santa thingy (they do it right - gifts come off the recipient's wishlist, which makes life a whole lot easier and more enjoyable for everyone), you could certainly consider bunging a fiver (or more) to an excellent cause.
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Oh, also, is it just me, or is there something a bit sinister about this song?
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better not pout
I'm telling you why...
And it all takes on new levels of sinisterness when you hear the version sung burped gargled by Joseph Spence...