'Tis the season to be jolly. Or merry. or goodwilly, or something. Apparently. Heh. We said willy.

For approximately one month a year - or four if the decorations in some supermarkets are to be believed - we're called upon to eat like there's no tomorrow, drink like there's no liver disease, and buy like there's likely to be a shortage of bath gel.

Sisters Meg and Anna (not in the nun sense of the word) (they're actually related) (and aren't nuns) and Brothers Cliff and Bobbie (Not related, just franciscan monks) (possibly) are here to relieve your Crimblennui (tm) and make your December just a little more spangly.

Think of it as our little gift to you. You may not have asked for it, you may not want it, but then, you could say the same for whatever Uncle Billy's going to give you this year.

Happy Advent, from us, to you. 'Tis the season, after all...

We've been doing this for a few years now. You can catch up on everything you missed in the full archive. There's loads there. Honestly, it's a wonder we had time for shopping, really, with all that content.

Link to this site using this handy button, if you can be keffed (you'll need to copy it to your server space):

'Tis the Season is a Pickard Production by Meg and Anna

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12 December 2005

Christmas time, Mistletoe and Wine

Anna says Mistleoe and wine. Wine, and mistletoe.

Remember that phrase?

Beer then wine? You'll feel fine;
Wine then beer? Great idea!
Beer then Wine then mistletoe? You'll feel like a complete twat in the office the next day, how many times do I have to tell you this?

People it's a good idea to kiss

1. Your mum. On the face. The cheek part of the face, generally.
2. Other members of your family. Again, mainly around the cheek parts of the face, and generally avoiding hairy bits, because they might have leftover food in them. Yes, I'm talking about your gran.
3. The pope, but only on the hand, and not with tongues.
4. The tarmac, if you actually Are a pope. In which case - Hello, your popeness! Hello and welcome! Could we have a word at some point about the whole condoms thing, if you have a minute? Wicked.
5. Your partner - any part of the face is allowed here, or in fact any part. At all. Although not in public. If that's ok.
6. Babies. If you're related to them, or a politician looking for votes, and again - especially in the latter case - never with tongues.

People it is almost certainly NOT alright to kiss

1. A policeman, especially one who is telling you off.
2. The teacher. ABBA said it was alright, but then ABBA said that it "Must be funny in a rich man's world' and Rupert Murdoch's a dour-faced auld twunt, and he's loaded so what does THAT tell you?
3. Anyone, anyone, anyone that you work with just because you are both drunk, at a random office party.

The problem is that the potency of a certain plant - mistletoe (Appox, 13th century Old English for "Like the toe of the missile" in that it looked like the arse-end of a warhead) - has raised to the point that it now apparently means that anyone holding it can march up and kiss someone else. Anyone else. Even the people they really, really shouldn't be kissing.

And mistletoe + wine? Bad, bad combination.

See, dear work colleague, dear friend, just because you have inbibed a whole bunch of the one, and have a sticky hand full of a bunch of the other, I wouldn't say there's a rule saying you should, really, be attempting to stick your tongue down the throat of whichever member of the opposite sex wasn't moving fast enough with such lively enthusiasm at this year's office party.

I mean, I know that there isn't a rule saying you can do that. I've checked all the books of rules. All of them.

Yes, you may have been glancing at each other over the photocopier, but that could have been because they actually have a glass eye which had got all dry and stuck in that position.

Yes, you may have imagined that you saw certain body parts hardening when you brushed past in the lift, but remember, that could actually have been a gun in their pocket. Perhaps, they really weren't pleased to see you. THAT much.

That's not to say that you shouldn't state an interest in kissing people. I'm just saying that perhaps the office christmas party isn't the place to do it. Because lets face it - they may turn out to fancy you. But there are so many other, better, times to say it.

Times when you maybe don't have sick down the front of your comedy Rudolf tie.

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