16 December 2005
The Christmas Dinner Song
Binnie brings you:
10 things you didn't know about brussels sprouts
- Brussels sprouts were invented in 1376 by a jesuit monk called Carl. He regretted it, later.
- Originally, brussels sprouts were named "Zurich's sprouts", until the nation of Switzerland disowned them unilaterally and declared neutrality on the whole mini-cabbage issue.
- Brussels sprouts are one of the fourteen wonders of the world as declared by Simone Gauder (dinner lady 1984-87, Thomas Jones Primary - other wonders included powered carrots, "that beef", coleslaw and "misc").
- Brussels sprouts were never considered part of christmas dinner until the early 20th century, when they were introduced to all the best Christmas feasts on the (apparently false) basis that they were already popular on regal tables.
This was an early urban myth. Apparently, the royals find it distastful even to feed them to the royal goats. A poll said. In Heat. So it's true.
- Brussels sprouts are extremely suitable as weapons, but ONLY a) at -28 degrees centigrade b) From an open window on the 85th floor and with good aim c) While still on a skewer.
- Brussels sprouts are the top most contested phrase in the "Well? Does it have a fucking apostrophe or not?!" argument. A fact which seems to bother very few greengrocers indeed.
- A brussels sprout has never been known to drink-drive. Nor, in fact to encourage other brussel sprouts to.
- Looking at a brussels sprout, one can imagine it as a miniature of the earth itself. What with it being mainly green (all green in one case) full of natural minerals and nutrients.
Although it's not yet proved yet whether eating The Earth would make you fart like a windy trooper, other than that, they're really similar.
- Brussels sprouts were the original models for the "Mr Potato Head" series, but were rejected on the basis that "The Mr Brussels Sprout Head" toy sounded a bit rude (Mr Brussels sounding like a male glamour model - "Mr Brussels' Sprout" sounding quite a lot like his penis, and 'Mr Brussels' Sprout's head' being quite an obvious euphemism for... um) ...
- Occaisionally, popular and famous authors use brussels sprouts in new nd exciting recipes in order to seem a little controversial. These occasions should be noted an catalogued in preparation for the inevitable Marcarthyist sproutrials of the coming years.
- In his later drugaddled nonbeingabletobegood years, Elvis could rarely be arsed to appaer on stage himself, and commonly had his people create a new Elvis to appear on stage who was actually a minimarionette with a brussels sprout for a head.
He had courgettes for legs.
And also arms. The jumpsuit was real silk, obviously. - It is a proven fact (see poll information) that brussels sprouts bring families together because no one likes them.
They bring people together by virtue of not actually being very popular. In this respect, they are very, very much like The Queen.
Also, both smell like overboiled cabbage.