20 December 2005
We all want some figgy pudding, we all want some figgy pudding...
Anna says: I've never been two good at maths, but watching movies and movies about the power of maths (well, it was either maths or 'love', I can never remember), I have begun to suspect that there might be some mathematical equation behind Christmas after all.
But you'll have to bear with me, because, as I said, I'm not very good at...
So you have one turkey. One turkey. And/or salmon, nut roast/leg of lamb/gooducken/large block of lard (if you're poor). Multiplied by somewhere between 2 and 20 people.
(Somewhere between 2 and twenty. Right. There are 18 numbers between 2 and twenty, and some where in the middle of those is 8. Oh, no, hang on, 9)
One turkey/other, plus stuffing, which probably counts as about 400, because it's a lot of little granules. Plus nine, which is the mean number of people at Christmas. Or the number of mean people at Christmas, if you live in a very small prison. Or your family.
Plus sherry - let's say about 8 of those. And as well as grandma's tipple, everyone else might have one of those as well - apart from one person who doesn't drink, and also doesn't look like they're having very much fun. So that's 15 glasses of sherry altogether.
Like paracetamol, the effects of turkey/other have been seen to be exacerbated greatly by alcohol (effect of turkey = "full"), so where we previously had one turkey, when placed in equation with the 15 sherrys and the little stubby bottles of beer (172andahalf) and the wine (some), we now have 4 turkeys, plus the 400 stuffing, multiplied by the number of people around the table (9), divided by the amount of people that might wash up (3), minus the number of people washing up who also cooked (3).
All of this, plus the amount of Christmas puddings (1) and multiplied by the weight of said pudding (19kg approx) but divided by the number of eyebrows lost during the brandy/pudding conflagration (at least 2, possibly more if everyone leans in really close).
Divide again by the total number of crackers pulled (9) and then minus the amount of funny jokes in said crackers (0), while adding relative increase in size of stomach after meal (+4" on average). Combine with the number of post-dinner bottom burps (extra points for hilarious brussels sprout comments) and +1 for anybody who turns green as a result. Then multiply by blood pressure of family member who turns green because they've left their medication on the sideboard in Steeple Bumstead (160/100).
The number of gifts, known to be relative to the mean number of Christmassipants (and even more relative to the number of mean relatives among them), should be added on at this point, I think. Then minus the amount of unwanted gifts, double the amount of uplicated gifts and add -4 AA to the amount of gifts that require batteries but don't have any.
Add to the resulting number 96 mince pies, and 1 queen at 3.30.
Question: With the above equation as a given, if everyone leaves at approximately 19.26 at 110mph under the cover of 8 different excuses:
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