21 December 2005
The Polly and the Ivy
JonnyB's facts about parrots at Christmas:
- Parrots are the only members of the animal kingdom aside from humans to celebrate Christmas. By and large this is due to their relatively advanced intelligence, compared with dogs, cats, ants etc. The only other creatures that might have evolved to celebrate Christmas are dolphins, but they are largely Jewish.
- Parrots in captivity generally look glum because they are overlooked on the present-giving front and generally left out of human Christmas celebrations. This can depress a parrot for several months into the new year.
- Things are made worse if their pleas for ‘a cracker’ are continually misinterpreted.
- Parrot Christmas celebrations stretch right back to their participation in the Nativity. The arrival of the Magi (wise men) bearing gold, frankincense and a mynah is revered by parrots across the globe. The subsequent corruption of the third gift is down to the mistranslation of early historians – but is something the powerful myrrh cartels of the third and fourth centuries did nothing to correct.
- Typical presents for young parrots in the jungle might consist of a stocking containing some seeds and a couple of cuttlefish, followed by a main present of a larger cuttlefish and some more seeds. Parrots would be disappointed by Nintendo, as they do not have opposable thumbs.
- The favourite Christmas carol of parrots is generally ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’ due to the long ‘glor-or-or-or-ee-ee-aa-ooor-or-orrr-aah-ee-aaa...’ bit in the middle.
- Parrots decorate their nests with brightly-coloured leaves on which they have scratched festive messages. These days these are generally along the lines of ‘happy holidays’ and ‘season’s greetings’ rather than anything specifically relating to Christmas, as they do not want to upset the marmosets.
- The marmosets are allowed to have their own festival though, aren’t they? It’s all right for THEM.
- Parrots do not get up early in order to prepare a large turkey roast for consumption at around 3pm. Don’t be stupid – they’re fucking parrots, for God’s sake.
- There is no parrot equivalent of Noel Edmonds.