7 December 2003
Why do we have to have turkey for Christmas? I hate turkey. Turkey sucks. Fucking Turkey. We Always have stinky turkey. Can’t we have something else? What is it with the big Turkey thing?
Anna says
Well, for a start, you don't.
You could have anything, meat, non-meat, chicken, lamb, nut roast, duck, salmon, yak.
Let's get that clear. There are no laws, no parliamentary edicts on the eating of turkey for Christmas.
There is a Cromwellian law banning the eating of mince pies, but that's a different matter entirely.
But when it comes to turkey, it's only tradition that governs us.
So where does that tradition come from?
I have no idea. I guess that it would seem that in days of yore, the tradional big bird to eat on celebration days was goose.
And there aren't as many gooses as turkeys and therefore, oh no, hang on, I've just been informed that Turkeys are native to the Americas, but not to here, so I'm guessing that's a good reason too.
Which creates its own argument as well. Sublimation of cultures and that...
That's not the point right now.
Anyway, the main reason we feel alright eating turkeys at Christmas is because they're ugly.
Christmas being the season of goodwill and generosity and things, we naturally veer away from certain acts.
The supposed reason for the celebration of Christmas, the birth of a baby, would make the eating 'cute' animals a semi-barbarous, almost cannibalistic act.
Babies are cute, therefore eating cute animals is akin to eating babies.
Turkeys of course, are nowhere near baby-cute.
Turkey babies aren't even baby-cute. Not even turkey-baby-cute. They're just not cute at all. Turkeys are ganlgy and awkward, and funny looking, and if they look up at the sky for too long when it's raining, they drown.
So they're not only ugly, but they're also stupid. And they make a horrible noise. And they're ugly.
And sure, they might taste a little bland, veer toward to dry or stringy in texture, and be hellish to stuff and flavour, but they're big.
And how bad would you feel eating something whose cuteness matched the joyfulness of Christmas?
A koala, say? Or a dolphin? Or a kitten.
I mean, you'd have to have a kitten each, and that would never do. Who's got the oven space, for a start?
So for the big family wanting to eat something meaty this Christmas without impacting on their affection for aesthetically pleasing mammals, there really is only one choice. The turkey choice.
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