10 December 2003
Why do people insist on decorating their house windows with ridiculous, tasteless flashing lights so that their house resembles a mini-disco?
anna saysOpposite the house in which I live, a very well disposed little property in a suburban street, is a house that, on the 1st of December, decided to announce their 'tasteful middle class Christmas cheer' to the world.
On two manicured bushes either side of the door, white fairy lights are strung in neat spirals, coiling up the trunk and wrapping gracefully around the seasonally sparse branches.
An expensive-looking wreath hangs on the front door, ivy and holly and tiny red berries set off well against the black gloss paint of the door.
In the front window of their beautiful minimalist-faux-Victorian yet comfortable living room, of which the curtains are always open, there sits a 12-foot Christmas Tree, hung with juicy red apples, white lights that match the ones outside, wicker stars and tiny presents, wrapped in red and gold.
On the first day of December, the folk at number 32 displayed to the world their tasteful, middle class Christmas cheer.
Then, on December the second, number 34 put their decorations up.
Their decorations do not say "God rest ye merry gentlemen".
No, not quite.
Their decorations say - 'Look, It's Fucking Christmas! Woohoo!'
And all power to them.
The lawn is covered with some kind of white fluffy tarpaulin, on which sit three comedy reindeer and a fat guy in a sled. One of the reindeer has three and a half legs, and therefore falls over. One has only one antler, and I've seen the other get mounted by a neighbourhood dog.
Between them, actually, beasts and fat man, they have a visible eleven and a half legs, four red noses, three and a quarter antlers and one beard.
And no dignity whatsoever.
Inside, the window is lined with more straggly white fluff, as if a malting polar bear had been let loose in a room with strategically placed velcro.
The tree, in the corner of the room but clearly visible, is covered in every tree ornament ever made, along with enough tinsel to circle the world 5 times and a really fat fairy, dressed in pink with stubby arms and big puffed up cheeks like she's trying to hold her breath til death.
And if which if I was put in full public view with a tree stuck up my arse, I might too.
In the small window above the door, a florescent sign holds the words 'Happy Christmas' and flashes up the letters in a seemingly random order, sometimes one at a time, sometimes all, and sometimes a selected few, randomly.
The other day I looked out of the window and it read 'Hap Chit', which sounds a bit like hatchet.
Which is perhaps an insight that their neighbours might agree with.
In an upstairs window a snowman laughs and holds his fat snowy belly. Occasionally the snowman is attacked by a large mean-looking tomcat. And then his head falls off.
Obviously the houses have had very little discussion on colour co-ordination and a cohesive street christmas 'theme'.
And I'm really glad.
Because this way, the two adjoining houses are clearly having a conversation.
One is saying; 'It's Christmas, a time of traditional good cheer and generosity, and to symbolise the generosity of my family in particular, I am hereby displaying our carefully picked out and expensive decorations. The gifts given in this family will be fashionable and tasteful, because we are. We are also very, very happy, and together people. Don't you envy us?'
The other is saying; "It's Christmas, a time of fun and sillyness and laughter, and the family that own this house, although slightly shambolic and overly extrovert, are really an extremely happy family. We want to display our carefree Christmas joy to the world, knowing that you'll be thinking of us, the madcap funlovers at number 34 with a mixture of admiration and envy, wishing that you could live your life in such a flamboyant yet joyful way. In a week's time, the father of this house is going to put Santa Clause on the roof to keep him away from randy-dog, meaning that not only are we more Christmassy and thus more happy than the sour-faced ponces next door, but obviously that the head of our household also has enormous genitals."
You see, as far as I see it, that's what these flamboyant outward shows of Christmas Spirit are about.
Not about being full of Seasonal Cheer, but about showing everyone else how full of seasonal cheer you are.
"Bugger the electric bill.
Bugger the children's credibility at high school.
Bugger having free time at the weekends.
Bugger the bloke next door trying to sell his house;
This year I'm creating a full winter wonderland out in the front garden, with miniature cities, a rail and aviation system all covered in fairy lights, and automaton animals rejected by Disneyland because their heads explode.
>We're having fireworks Maud, We're having a winter wonderland.
Everyone on this street, no, scrub that, everyone in this fucking town, is going to know that I love Christmas, that I personally am extremely happy, that my family is happy and extremely lucky to have me, that Christmas celebrations are done best at this house right here, and, most importantly, that I've got Really. Big. Balls."
« 09 | Main | 11 »