13 December 2003
Last year in the UK there was all sorts of hype about whether the Pop Stars: The Rivals boy band (One True Voice) or girl band (Girls Aloud) would get the coveted Christmas number one spot. This year, the media is going crazy fretting over whether it'll be the winner of ITV's Pop Idol or BBC's Fame Academy. Did I miss something? Are they the only choices? Has every other artist decided not to bother releasing a single this year? Even Cliff Richard?
Meg says:Christmas music is deeply loathsome and yet highly infectious; the musical equivalent of scabies.
Anyone who has ever worked in a retail position during the hectic Christmas run up will confirm that hell is The Best Christmas Pop Album In The World...Ever! on infinite loop over tinny shopwide speakers. The tracklisting of this CD usually contains a selection of (if not all) the following:
- Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
- I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day - Wizzard
- Merry Christmas Everybody - Slade
- Merry Christmas Everyone - Alvin Stardust OR Shakin' Stevens
- Merry Xmas (War is Over) - John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band
- Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town - Bruce Springsteen
- Stop the Cavalry - Jonah Lewie
- Drummer Boy - David Bowie
- Walking In The Air - Aled Jones
- Last Christmas - Wham!
- Christmastime (Mistletoe and Wine) - Cliff Richard
- A Spaceman Came Travelling - Chris De Burgh
- Do They Know It's Christmas - Band Aid
- Mary's Boy Child - Bony M
- Fairytale of New York - The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl
Of these, only the last stands the test of repeated auditions during a twelve hour shift, and then only because you can sympathise with Shane McGowan's drunken belligerance in the fact of twinkling festivities and morons asking you how much the clearly priced item in their hand is.
Curiously, in recent years, the trend for releasing festive singles specifically about or containing the word Christmas has died away, leaving the path wide open for the dreaded novelty single.
With a brief prequel in 1980, as the St Winifred's School Choir took the UK charts by storm with There's No-One Quite Like Grandma, a good (or should that be bad?) chunk of the Christmas number one singles over the last quarter of a century have been direct marketing ploys, with year-round artists aiming to cash in on that crucial Christmas cash.
Until 1993, when quite inexplicably, a pink and yellow spotted thing topped the yuletide charts with a song about himself. He would have sung about Christmas, I'm sure, except that the only word he was capable of saying squealing was "Blobby!"
The future of music had arrived, folks, and it was dressed in pink foam rubber.
Similarly plastic acts topped the chrimbo charts in the years which followed - The Teletubbies, Spice Girls, East 17, and even children's TV character Bob the Builder managed it the other year. It seems that as time rolls by, all you need is either
a) a novelty, gimmick, costume or TV show of your very own or
b) a syrupy ballad-like offering which your mum will like. The video should feature falling snow, though there should be no specific reference to religious festivals.
By following either (or preferably both) of these simple rules, your path to the top of the Christmas charts is secured. Just don't forget to follow up your success with a serious single in the new year.
Ah. That might be a problem. Welcome to Jingle Hell.
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